HOROSCOPES OCT 2012

Aries:  Mar 21 - Apr 19

This month you will start a kitten fight club. Your relationships will suffer, due to the fact your time will be consumed by making fight outfits from tinfoil. And trying to get Mexican wrestler masks on kittens.

Taurus:  Apr 20 - May 20

I see a trip to Sweden in your future. Wait it is coming more clear.. No its a trip to Ikea, where you will purchase a shitty chair that you can not assemble , causing you to instead steal milk crates from the gas station to build your home furnishings.

Gemini:  May 21 - Jun 20

This is the month you decide to start your work out regiment. By that I mean you will start talking with others about how you are going to start working out.

Cancer:  Jun 21 - Jul 22

Oh child! your future is a great one. Or at least it will seam great to your facebook friends. You will start posting of your new job! WOW CEO!  and the month long first class trip to Europe. That will show those smug successful bastards from high school.

Leo:  Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your car will get broken into! Don't worry though. They wont take the Kenny lodgins cassette.

Virgo:  Aug 23 - Sep 22

Its time to out your self, tell the world that its OK to be the proud parent of 16 cats. Hold on whats going on, on your pillow? Looks like Miss Boo boo mittens has just increased that to 22! We can worry about how to feed all those mouths on a gas station income later. The kitten lord will provide, Or you can start up that business of making sweaters from shedded cat fur.

Libra:  Sep 23 - Oct 22

Weee! you are going shopping! with school in full swing its time to change that style. The kids will be so impressed when you show up There going to be like " Oh did you see (insert your name here). they are so fly! where did they even find a gold unitard, with matching shower cap"

Scorpio:  Oct 23 - Nov 21

I only have one sentence for you.  Penicillin will not help, what were you thinking!

Sagittarius:  Nov 22 - Dec 21

Maybe its time to rethink your grand plans of opening a petting zoo, where people pay to throw rocks at animals. Not as many people as you think share your passion.

Capricorn:  Dec 22 - Jan 19

I know you are only reading horoscopes to find out about your love life. So here it is. No they don't like you and leaving dead birds in there mail box will not change there mind. Although it was amusing when you snuck into there house while they were sleeping to shave there spouses head. and eat all there yogurt.

Aquarius:  Jan 20 - Feb 18

Honesty is the best policy. Tell your boss that it was not a rabid squirrel that got loose in the building and pooped in his desk. Honestly how did he even believe that! Does he think the squirrel also ate at chipotle prior to picking the lock?

Pisces:  Feb 19 - Mar 20

Dont worry about your future your not even going to get to read next months. Wait I have said to much! disregard that! All im saying is, maybe J walking isnt as great of a time saver as you thought.