Horoscopes December

Aries:  Mar 21 - Apr 19
Mama Cleo knows about that disgusting thing that you think about! All Mama is sayin is that you are probably going to get hurt doing it, and cantaloupes are out of season so it will be hard anyway

Taurus:  Apr 20 - May 20
This month you will streamline your life. Get back to the basics. Sell all of your possessions, and become a migrant farm worker. Mama Cleo will be so proud of you when your cutting sugar cane in Florida. And the boss man will rarely ever beat you, because you work so hard!

Gemini:  May 21 - Jun 20

Time to polish that resume. Mama Cleo sees unemployment in your future. Did you really think no one was going to notice all those markers in your desk, that you have been huffing? At first they thought you were just really into Hitler. But taking your shirt off was the straw that broke the horses back.

Cancer:  Jun 21 - Jul 22
People in glass houses shouldn't call kettles black. Which means if you live in a glass house you are probably doing really well for yourself. Good for you!

Leo:  Jul 23 - Aug 22

That whole plan you had about stealing peoples lunches and holding them for ransom will probably not pan out. A major flaw will be the part where you don't eat them.

Virgo:  Aug 23 - Sep 22 

Ever been attacked by a squirrel with rabies! Not to spoil the fun but cover your eyes when you throw that garbage in the dumpster. I don't know what it is with squirrels with rabies but they always go for the eyes!

Libra:  Sep 23 - Oct 22
You will become an Internet sensation! Your views on YouTube go through the roof! Who would have thought attaching fishing line to your skin tags and using it to play dueling banjos, is something 15 million people want to see.

Scorpio:  Oct 23 - Nov 21
You will be arrested for using narcotics this month. But later released when the police figure out that apparently it is not against the law to snort pixie sticks.

Sagittarius:  Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will spend your days and nights digging holes. Your life dream of living with the fraggle rocks will come to an abrupt halt, when you think you have found them but later attacked by a family of moles.

Capricorn:  Dec 22 - Jan 19
Put on those leather chaps and bandanna! No your not going to a gay bar! your buying a bike! You wont pass your driving test, but you already own the leather chaps. No worries though Wal mart is running a special on Harley esqiue Huffy peddle bikes.

Aquarius:  Jan 20 - Feb 18
its getting near diet season! I think your new concept of nothing but aerosol foods is a great idea! I mean spray cooking oil, spray cheese, Reddi whip. The menu is endless! This is the end of your reading this month Aquarius Have a great rest of the month!

Pisces:  Feb 19 - Mar 20
Mama Cleo just had a thought. If your symbol is a fish, and Aquarius is water. Does that mean you cant live with out Aquarius?!? Well good luck with that cause they are a bunch of nut jobs ( I only said I like there aerosol diet so they don't poop in my mail box). I mean come on everyone knows there crazy

Mama Cleo thought of the day:
When ever someone asks you "hows it going", it best not to start with the skin disease that your cat miss coco pugs got, when she was snuggled up with Gary Bussey when he past out on your floor.

tips from cleo

Mama Cleo is here child, no worries leave a comment and I will do a personal reading. Relationship trouble? Want to know about work? Wondering what that smell in the fridge is? Let me help! I am here to serve.

Tip of the day:
 Put a dryer sheet in your underwear. When you fluff a pleasant bouquet will fill the air. Everyone around you will smile, and you will bring a little joy to every ones day:)

HOROSCOPES November

Aries:  Mar 21 - Apr 19
Its time you quit your job. And start the hunt. You have been stalking honey boo boo online for months, time to complete your shrine in your basement. Pack up the car. Its road trip time! By pack I mean grab the duct tape, can of gas, and put on a diaper. That pudgy angel will be eating Twinkies in your trunk by night fall.

Taurus:  Apr 20 - May 20

This month you will start  to explore your artistic side. using only water, and toilet paper as your medium, the greatest sculptures known to man will reside in your place of employments restroom. An artist works for the passion not the pay. But once your boss sees the free art you have provided and singed with a sharpie on the wall next to it. Well all I have to say is. I smell ah promotion!

Gemini:  May 21 - Jun 20
Oh look at you with your IPhone 5! to bad there's not an app on there to predict the future. Mama Cleo has a Nokia 5110 that she got from a bin at the entrance to a Best Buy (why do they make it so hard to reach the phones). I can not understand what more you would need than the snake game, and glowing buttons with the numbers wore off?

Cancer:  Jun 21 - Jul 22

You know that person that you always wanted to punch in the face? Guess what!?! Its time for you to sneak up on them and shout obscenities in there ear. Mama Cleo don't condone violence.

Leo:  Jul 23 - Aug 22

What is your problem? Really whats your deal. All you had to do is give that prince your account information, and you would have saved his life and been a millionaire! Great now he's probably dead, and you can just keep sitting at your desk pretending to work. When you could be drinking Jag bombs at some beach house in Miami with Chaz the night club promoter. BTW seriously Chaz do you ever wear a shirt or sunscreen? You look like a fine leather bound book.

Virgo:  Aug 23 - Sep 22
I predict that it is time for you to start officially regretting that Limp Bizket tattoo. It is pretty safe to say there will not be a comeback.

Libra:  Sep 23 - Oct 22
This month you will become a millionaire! YAY! That idea of powder form energy drink that you snort has finally taken off. Mama Cleo loves them in case your wondering. My only problem is who the hell is going to put my remote control back together? And whats with this metal taste in my mouth? What I don't get is I put it up my nose, yet the blood is coming from my ears? Strange? Good news though, the bleeding is probably making it harder for the government to hear Mama Cleos thoughts.

Scorpio:  Oct 23 - Nov 21
Ever wonder how you ended up with the sign of Scorpio? Well Mama Cleo knows all. It is Latin for "laday of the eve crabiucus", loosly translated to english nasty prostitute with crabs. You should be ashamed of your self! No predictions this month for you!

Sagittarius:  Nov 22 - Dec 21
You know that thought you had the other day of punching the old man in the jaw at the gas station and taking the register? Mama Cleo says go for it! you only live once. And wise poeple say all the time that you should live your dreams. And something about CARPET DENIM Greek for "Sieze the Carp". Mama Cleo still trying to figure out what catching fish has to do with robbing gas stations, but Mama Cleo knows not what what here visions mean, but that they are truth.

Capricorn:  Dec 22 - Jan 19
What ever happened to Wesley Snipes? You thought he died didn't you. You are wrong and this month when your toilet clogs with hair (whats that about anyway). And you call rotorooter. Guess who shows up at your door with a plunger. You guessed it! So dig in your closet for that Jungle Fever poster you got from when that Blockbuster closed down. Mama Cleo sees $3.95+shipping in your paypal account in the near future!

Aquarius:  Jan 20 - Feb 18
Who said you can't have gravy for breakfast? That will be your new slogan to go with your workout plan that you will be selling on infomecials. One gravy smoothie for breakfast, one at lunch, and mashed potatoes for dinner. The exercise routine is whisking gravy, and mashing potatos. You will be the #1 gravy diet in the nation! good for you! You deserve it.

Pisces:  Feb 19 - Mar 20
You will eat fish and get worms. Thats pretty gross, your disgusting.

HOROSCOPES OCT 2012

Aries:  Mar 21 - Apr 19

This month you will start a kitten fight club. Your relationships will suffer, due to the fact your time will be consumed by making fight outfits from tinfoil. And trying to get Mexican wrestler masks on kittens.

Taurus:  Apr 20 - May 20

I see a trip to Sweden in your future. Wait it is coming more clear.. No its a trip to Ikea, where you will purchase a shitty chair that you can not assemble , causing you to instead steal milk crates from the gas station to build your home furnishings.

Gemini:  May 21 - Jun 20

This is the month you decide to start your work out regiment. By that I mean you will start talking with others about how you are going to start working out.

Cancer:  Jun 21 - Jul 22

Oh child! your future is a great one. Or at least it will seam great to your facebook friends. You will start posting of your new job! WOW CEO!  and the month long first class trip to Europe. That will show those smug successful bastards from high school.

Leo:  Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your car will get broken into! Don't worry though. They wont take the Kenny lodgins cassette.

Virgo:  Aug 23 - Sep 22

Its time to out your self, tell the world that its OK to be the proud parent of 16 cats. Hold on whats going on, on your pillow? Looks like Miss Boo boo mittens has just increased that to 22! We can worry about how to feed all those mouths on a gas station income later. The kitten lord will provide, Or you can start up that business of making sweaters from shedded cat fur.

Libra:  Sep 23 - Oct 22

Weee! you are going shopping! with school in full swing its time to change that style. The kids will be so impressed when you show up There going to be like " Oh did you see (insert your name here). they are so fly! where did they even find a gold unitard, with matching shower cap"

Scorpio:  Oct 23 - Nov 21

I only have one sentence for you.  Penicillin will not help, what were you thinking!

Sagittarius:  Nov 22 - Dec 21

Maybe its time to rethink your grand plans of opening a petting zoo, where people pay to throw rocks at animals. Not as many people as you think share your passion.

Capricorn:  Dec 22 - Jan 19

I know you are only reading horoscopes to find out about your love life. So here it is. No they don't like you and leaving dead birds in there mail box will not change there mind. Although it was amusing when you snuck into there house while they were sleeping to shave there spouses head. and eat all there yogurt.

Aquarius:  Jan 20 - Feb 18

Honesty is the best policy. Tell your boss that it was not a rabid squirrel that got loose in the building and pooped in his desk. Honestly how did he even believe that! Does he think the squirrel also ate at chipotle prior to picking the lock?

Pisces:  Feb 19 - Mar 20

Dont worry about your future your not even going to get to read next months. Wait I have said to much! disregard that! All im saying is, maybe J walking isnt as great of a time saver as you thought.